THE MARITAL UNION
From God's Love Manual: A Biblical Celebration
God stated in the beginning of creation, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18 NKJV). Not only did God create the genders, He also designed a special, unique mating relationship: "The Scripture says, 'So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.' That secret is very important—I am talking about Christ and the church" (Eph. 5:31-32 NCV)."The man and his wife were naked, but they were not ashamed" (Gen. 2:25 NCV). Making love and creating a one-body partnership are a profound, mysterious, and dynamic process.
As mature lovers, we realize something is lost if we treat making love as simply physical excitement, intercourse, and techniques. Making love offers insight into Christ's relationship with the church. It includes joy, excitement, trust, commitment, unselfish nurturing, self-esteem, and a mutually fulfilling, comfortable, playful companionship. We will never completely comprehend this "secret" of intimacy or, as some scriptural translations state, this "profound mystery."
It is tremendously moving to think of God's original one-body companionship. Adam and Eve, before the Fall, had the marvelous capacity of being totally naked, physically and emotionally, with no shame or fear. They reveled in a childlike trust and curiosity—laughing, exploring, giving and receiving love. Sex was a glorious, innocent celebration lived out with instinctual honesty, respect, and zest for life.
First Corinthians 7:3, 5 tells about the importance of staying sexually connected in marriage: "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband . . . Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time . . . and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (NKJV). In a loving partnership, enjoying sexuality and connecting with a mate are gifts each brings to the other willingly—not by demands or coercion.
Please don't use God's loving guidelines as weapons on each other. Some husbands and wives club their mates with this passage and say things like, "If you don't have sex with me tonight, you are sinning." The real sin is theirs because they have never taken the time, loving-kindness, and energy to make changes needed to appeal to their mates romantically. Becoming one body has ceased to be the loving gift of meeting each other's needs and uniting. Making love is about giving—not demanding.
On the other hand, are you too fatigued or busy or inhibited to have sexual relations regularly? If so, you, too, are missing God's plan for marriage and the enjoyment of one of His avenues for increasing intimacy. Failing to structure frequent sexual activity into your companionship may open you to Satan's temptations. Please hear our heartfelt advice: Get counseling and do whatever God needs you to do to get sex back into your marriage! As we tell Christian couples, "A meaningful sex life in your marriage is one hill worth dying on. This is not optional in God's eyes."
There is no replacement for what God intended sex to do for intimate marriages. The Creator set no age limits. Lovemaking in our fifties or eighties continues to be the framework for expressing many powerful and exciting emotions. Making love also helps dissipate and defuse negative emotions and behaviors, like hostility, nit-picking, and defensive distancing. Spouses who frequently play together sexually stay together in a warm and bonded way, keeping at bay many of the dragons that can hurt intimate companionship.
Godly Submission Versus Self-Focus
Mature lovers need to be able to practice both submission and a righteous self-focus in the marital union. We as Christians are encouraged to be submissive. That is, we are encouraged to place our partners' needs and feelings ahead of our own. And submission is a significant part of a great sex life. Through submission, we honor our mates and nurture them unselfishly in ways they truly enjoy. We can give as gifts sexual favors that our mates desire, but may not be as important to us.
But fulfilling sex also requires being selfish. If we are always other-focused, and if we always repress or ignore our own needs, we forfeit complete sexual fulfillment. Intimate lovemaking is a partnership with both selfishness and unselfishness. Great lovers know their own bodies and enjoy their sexual feelings. This is part of the reason why some women become more sexual in their forties. They know more of what they want and enjoy and are more assertive in expressing this.
Self-focus doesn't seem to get equal time in practical Christian training. Self-awareness and taking personal responsibility are crucial to building a healthy sexuality. The Bible commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31 NKJV), and it states that "husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies" (Eph. 5:28 NKJV).These teachings are based on the idea of a healthy self-concept.
As Christians, we are accountable to God for creating a good sexual self-image and accepting ourselves without comparing ourselves to others. We are answerable individually to build a vibrant self-awareness and to learn to love and appreciate our bodies' potential for sensuality. We need to understand our own sexual needs and assertively fulfill them.
Orgasms are an excellent example of healthy sexual selfishness. Your mate does not experience your orgasm. You focus on your sexual feelings and allow them to build to a climax. This is an intensely personal pleasure within your mind and body. You selfishly let your mind enjoy the intensity of your excitement and orgasm but unselfishly allow your mate to observe how much pleasure your mate brings to you. Your partner is aroused by your personal excitement and intense experiencing of erotic release. This self-focus creates a mutual intimacy that encourages bonding and can be a great aphrodisiac.
Individually, make a list of three things you would like to do that could increase your personal enjoyment of love-making and three ways you could please your partner. Share this list with your mate and discuss. How has your list changed in these more mature years?
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