A HEALTHY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
Most people over fifty have figured out this crucial piece of information: Having sex and making love are two very different acts. Exciting sex doesn't necessarily create intimacy—rather, long-term, satisfying lovemaking flows out of an emotionally close and comfortably intimate companionship. Even with this critical knowledge, falling deeper in love and staying emotionally close don't come easy. The following four concepts are crucial in building healthy intimacy as a foundation for great lovemaking.
1. Filling the Love Tank—Trying Smarter, Not Harder
In marriage each partner has a love tank or a love bank into which mates make deposits through strategic loving deeds or withdrawals through negative behaviors. Part of great sex builds on a full love tank and feeling emotionally close—having the things done for us that make us feel loved. Bottom line #1: Some activities score points and some don't! Bottom line #2: Living with someone a long time doesn't guarantee you know how to fill their love tank.
Though sadly ineffective, we often practice on our mate what makes us feel loved or sexually aroused, hoping it will turn him or her on too. If your mate loves quality time spent together, a few candles or a quick back rub won't get the job done. What can be even tougher in this fifty-plus era of life is that some things that used to score points, like taking the kids for the afternoon or a quickie before work, won't work anymore and need to be revised.
Do you really want great lovemaking? Build real intimacy and remember, it is not how hard you try hut if you are wisely pushing the right buttons. Mature lovers learn what their mate enjoys and then remember and incorporate those things. If he speaks German, you learn a little German. If her language is French, you learn some French, no matter how difficult it is or how little sense it makes to you. When we are understood and our needs strategically attended to, we feel more in love and erotically inclined.
2. Affectionate Touch
Great romance and intimate lovemaking don't begin with sex. Feeling warmly attached through trust, tenderness, and touch produces the momentum. Remember the old adage that ''embers reignite when placed in close proximity"? Similarly, emotional and physical warmth with tender emotions reignite physical closeness with your lover. "Feeling in love" and enjoying "gourmet" sex mean learning to keep your hands and body in close proximity to your mate. Find routines like cuddling before you go to sleep or going over and touching your mate whenever you walk by him or her.
3. Thoughtfulness, Surprises, and Tender Connecting
Thoughtfulness and choosing to be nice spill over into wanting to connect sexually. Its not much fun sleeping with the enemy or making love with someone who takes you for granted. Surprises, in a fun way, tell your mate that you thought of them when you weren't with them. It truly isn't the cost but the attentiveness and time invested that score points. Remembering to buy a small gift (that special lotion in her favorite scent) contributes to her feeling loved. Romantic sexual surprises are meaningful too. These creative innovations say to your sweetheart, "I thought of you and your pleasure. I'm stretching to reach out beyond myself to nurture you." For example, knowing her husband's continued enjoyment of her breasts, his wife bought lingerie just for his enjoyment.
4. Three-Dimensional Intimacy
Falling deeper in love and experiencing moving sexual intimacy demands that lovers bring body, soul, and spirit together. In the Garden of Eden, these three parts (of God's image in us) were comfortably joined. In an exciting way, this becomes one of the critical tasks in celebrating sex after fifty and shifting our paradigm to truly making love: learning to make love with our souls and spirits as well as our bodies.
How wonderful to know we are old and wise enough to understand this important formula. Great lovemaking certainly is achievable as we learn to be mature persons with effective intimacy skills.
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